Dichotomy

I am having these days lately that are complete and utter paradoxes. I am literally riding a roller coaster, going from high to low in the blink of an eye. It's making me extremely emotional, and I am not sure I am hanging in there as well as I always have.

We have been through a lot of deployments, yes. And I know the drill, I do.

But I am just not dealing well with Christmas. I go from one moment of insane euphoria - my brother is going to be here with his family, and Zoe knows what's happening, I can't wait - to a moment of intense depression. I just don't want to spend my first Christmas married without my husband. I am sad, but then I feel guilty for being sad. Maybe I need to spend one day just being upset, and get it all out. And then Zoe seems to be feeding off my uncertainty - suddenly she is a daddy's girl, nothing is okay without him.

I also understand that one day soon, this will all seem so far away that I won't even remember how awful it was. And I am well aware that as horrible it is for me, it's nothing compared to what it must be like for the hundreds of thousands of soldiers deployed out there.

I am not sure exactly the point of this rambling, except that I needed to emotionally purge these feelings. Thanks for listening.